The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's the butts.

If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.

Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

Don't fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day.

Please don't drive when you're not driving.

Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take.

If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask us in bed.

The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by male rubber-necking at the mini-skirts.

If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?

Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.

When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life--you'll never see the 'island' coming.

Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.

Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that Y chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.

Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

Your balding is a good thing--it subsidizes our hair care expenses.
 
 
 

1. If you really don't want to know what's wrong, then don't ask!

2. By the way, when we say "Nothing," we mean "Everything."

3. If you actually believe the answer "Nothing," then you're in

   bigger trouble than you were before.

4. Don't call us up and ask us out, if you don't have the foggiest

   idea where you are going to take us.

5. Believe it or not, listening to you burp after we cook you dinner

   is not a way of saying, "Wow, honey, that was delicious."

6. Please try to refrain from scratching your private parts in front

   of us, no matter how discrete you try to do it, we always see it.

7. When you hang out the window of moving cars with your buddies, and

   call to us, "Hey baby! Hey baby! Hey, where are you going? Do you

   want a ride, baby?" You don't actually think we're going to get in,

   do you?

8. We know that in the morning, certain parts of your anatomy arise

   before others, but Sunday mornings are meant to sleep in.

9. And poking us, will not put us in a better mood.

10. The woman's breast consists of more than just the nipple.
 

1)      NOT KISSING FIRST.  Avoiding her lips and diving straight  for the

erogenous zones makes her feel  like you're paying by the hour and

trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper

passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2)      BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.  Admit it, some kid at school told you

girls love this.  Well, there's a difference between being erotic and

blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th

birthday cake. That hurts.

3)      NOT SHAVING.  You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your

chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs.

When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's

avoidance.

4)      SQUEEZING HER BREAST.  Most men act like a housewife testing a melon

for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and

smooth them.

5)      BITING HER NIPPLES.  Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then

clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via  her breasts?

Nipples are highly sensitive.  They can't stand up to chewing.  Lick and

suck them gently.  Flicking your tongue across   them is good.

Pretending they're a dogie toy isn't.

6)      TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.  Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the

nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio

station in a hilly area.  Focus on the whole breasts, not just the

exclamation points.

7)      IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.  A woman is not a highway

with just three turn-offs:  Breastville East and West, and the Midtown

Tunnel.  There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too

often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina.  So start paying

them some attention.

8)      GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.  Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt

region can result in tangled fingers and underpants.  If you're going to

be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9)      LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.  Condom disposal is the man's

responsibility.  You wore it, you store it.

10)     ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.  Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so

gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11)     STOPPING FOR A BREAK.  Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they

left off.  If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast.  If

you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12)     UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.  Women hate looking stupid,

but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over

her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13)     GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.  Stroking her gently through

her panties can be very sexy.  Pulling the material up between her

thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14)     BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.  Although most men can find the

clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's

all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff

stolen banknotes up a chimney.  This is okay in principle, but if you're

not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away.  It's best to pay

more attention to her clitoris and  the exterior of her vagina at first,

then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15)     MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.  You're attempting to give her a sensual,

relaxing massage to get her in the mood.  Hands and fingertips are okay;

elbows and knees are not.

16)     UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.  Don't force the issue by stripping before

she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if

it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17)     TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.  A man in socks and underpants is a at

his worst.  Lose the socks first.

18)     GOING TOO FAST.  When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the

worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial  power tool -

she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your

technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19)     GOING TOO HARD.  If you bash your great triangular hip bones into

her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding

concentrated into a few seconds.

20)     COMING TOO SOON.  Every man's fear.  With reason.  If you shoot

before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a back-up plan

to ensure her pleasure too.

21)     NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.  It may appear to you that humping for an

hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more

likely the mark of a numb vagina.  At least buy some intriguing wall

hangings, so she has something to hold her interest  while you're

playing Marathon Man.

22)     ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.  You really ought to be able to tell.  Most

women make noise.  But if you really don't know, don't ask!

23)     PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.  Don't act like a giant cat at a

saucer of milk.  Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on

gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24)     NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.  Men persist in doing this until she's

eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to

mouth-to-penis.  All women hate this.  It's about three steps from being

dragged to a cave by their hair.  If you want her to use her mouth, use

yours; try talking seductively to her.

25)     NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.  Sperm tastes like sea water

mixed with egg white.  Not everybody likes it.  When she's performing

oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26)     MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.  Don't thrust.  She'll do all the

moving during fellatio.  You just lie there.  And don't grab  her head.

27)     TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.  In X-rated movies,

women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them.  In real life, it just

means more laundry to do.

28)     MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.  Asking her to be on top is fine.

Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her

gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a

schooner. And let her have a rest.

29)     ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow

directions.  If you want to put it there, ask her first.  And don't

think that being drunk is an excuse.

30)     TAKING PICTURES.  When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?"

she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies."  At least let her have

custody of them.

31)     NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.  Imagination is anything from drawing

patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off.  Fruit,

vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and

permanent dye are a no no.

32)     SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.  There is no less erotic noise.

It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33)     ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.  If she wants to do advanced yoga in

bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get  too

ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped

hamstrings.

34)     LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.  Read this carefully:  Anal stimulation

feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't!

35)     GIVING LOVE BITES.  It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction

on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully.  No woman wants to

have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarfs for weeks on end.

36)     BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.  Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a

megaphone.  It's not a big turn-on.

37)     TALKING DIRTY.  It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor

calling a 1-900 line.  If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38)     NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.  You have to finish the job.

Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same

for you.

39)     SQUASHING HER.  Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie

on her a bit too heavily, she WILL turn blue.

40)     THANKING HER.  Never thank a woman for having sex with you.

Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

41)      THREESOME  Talking dirty is one thing but when you mention

having a threesome, whether you mean it or not - don't mention the other parties name.

Your woman will turn colder than an icecube if you do.

42)      ICECUBES  Trying to put icecubes in the wrong places.

When you're freezing could and then he tries to shove an icecube up you anus it's a

total turnoff.